Got bored today so I dressed up in tan pants and a blue shirt then went into Best Buy and quit.
I'm cutting the sleeves off my Snuggie because it makes me look more badass.
Why is it when you run into a spider web, you suddenly turn into a ninja?
Don't believe all the rumours you hear about me, the truth is much worse.
You'd be amazed how often I´m wrong when people say guess what.
When a cop asks you, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" It is never a good idea to respond, "Because my tires look like donuts?"
Girls must buy $500 purses just to impress other girls. No guy has ever said "Bro, she was ugly...but that purse...
Every loaf of bread is a tragic story of grains that could've become beer, but didn't
I'm not saying I hate you, but I'd unplug your life support to charge my phone.
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex but my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.
If you think your wife has a sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose pedals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes
I watched the deleted scenes from a porno last night. Turns out he ended up fixing the washing machine after all.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there's a home invasion, the intruder will think I'm part of the team.
I've stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
I can not be held responsible for what my face does when you talk.
I'm that friend you have to explain to people before you introduce me... And apologize for after.
If you can afford a gym membership, you can afford deodorant.
I hate when homesless people shake their cup of coins at me. It's like yeah I know you have more money than me, no need to rub it in.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for most of you.
I accidentally did yoga once when I couldn't reach the toilet paper.
"Lazy" is a strong word. I prefer to call it selective participation.
I'm so lonely I drive around town with a coffee cup glued to the roof of my car just so people will wave at me.
How the hell can Dora call herself an explorer if she only goes to places already on the map?
Do you think regular dogs see police dogs and think, “Oh crap! It’s the cops!”?
I just saw a guy take a bite of Kit Kat bar without breaking it apart first! Sir, we live in a society with rules, please adhere to them.
Gym Update: Not there.
If I ever sound inspriational, one of us is drunk.
Didn’t Selfie Sticks used to be called Friends?
You know that confused look that old people get when looking at new technology? I'm like that, but with salad.
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk. Ducks don’t talk.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Behind every good selfie is approximately 47 nearly identical pictures that didn’t make the cut.
I'm looking up in the sky and I have no idea which cloud has all my data
Ziploc's idea of how big a sandwich should be is very different than mine.
My dentist said I grind at night. I was like, ok stalker.
I don’t want to sound racist, but all stormtroopers look the same to me.
I'm surprised more killers haven't lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
You should be required to read a book for every 10 selfies you take.
It's friday, friday, gotta get down on Fridayyyyyyy!!!
What does the fox say? "Ring-ding-ding-ding-dingeringeding!"
Was your dad a boxer? Because you are a knockout. #pickupline
On a scale of 1-10, you're a 9, and I'm the 1 you need #pickupline
On a scale of 1 to 10, how married are you? #pickupline
Beauty catches the attention, but character catches the heart. #inspirational
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the whatever.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Exercise can add years to your life. For example, I just ran 2 miles and I now feel like I'm 82.
Sorry I liked your status, I was cleaning my phone.
We live in a world in where it is easier to get out of a marriage than a mobile-phone contract
You can't fix anything by refreshing your facebook, only by updating your life.
So I met an Egyptian, they walk just like us.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
I'm not anti-social, I'm anti-stupid.
I think Facebook is broken. I put up statuses and no one liked it even though I refreshed it a few times.
If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
I was blown away when I realised the word " OK " is a side ways person.
Copy this and paste it in your status if you know someone, or have heard of someone who knows someone..
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
I read Facebook for the pictures.
I just broke my record for most days lived.
I'd like to give a big shout-out to all my hard of hearing friends!
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
So people buy cookie dough and bake it?.... What the hell?
Every loaf of bread is a tragic story of grains that could've become beer, but didn't.
I had a dream that I was a muffler last night. I woke up exhausted!
What's the difference between bad jokes and dad jokes? One letter!
Automatic doors make me feel like a Jedi
is trying to decide ... laundry today or naked tomorrow
Organized people are just too lazy to look for things.
If history repeats itself, I'm totally getting a dinosaur.
Afterism (n) - A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late
Sometimes it takes me a full 8 hours to get nothing done.
Waldo’s mom must be worried sick.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS? EUROPE: How can we save our economy? AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Does the 5 second rule apply to soup? Please answer quickly!
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how's your day going?
Is it the S or the C that's silent in scent?
You think seven years is bad for breaking a mirror? Try breaking a condom.
"If you liked it, then you should have put a ring on it" lalalalala!!!
"Hey, I just met you, And this is crazy, But here's my number, So call me, maybe!"